Fiction by Lorraine
Disclaimer: "The characters are the property of whoever may have a hold upon them. The situation is wholly mine, and I do not mean to infringe upon any copyrights."
So, last night, jstabe and I were imagining an alternate universe in which we were the hosts of a slash talk show. This kinda came out of that. And amejisuto, sukibluefiction, I'll have you girls know my husband actually sat down and wrote this with me. Most of the hilarity can be credited to him. So, without further ado .....
**Cue theme song "It's Raining Men." Perky talkshow hosts Lorraine and Jenn make their way down the center aisle of a packed studio audience (mostly women, ranging in ages from early twenties to a few geriatrics). The walls of the studio are black and decorated with whips, chains, and posters advertising various economy-sized lubricants.**
J--Good morning, slash lovers everywhere! **Crowd screams wildly**
L--We've got a great show for you this morning. Our first guests are a couple here all the way from MS. Later in the program, we'll hear from Dr. Ivanna Vatchukum on the sociological benefits of slash.
J--That's right, Lorraine. Our first guests, Bob and Betty, have been married for ten years, and the spark is slowly dying. We've flown them out to sunny California for a Luuuvvv Makeover courtesy of Morning Slash Talk! **Camera pans audience jumping to its feet**
L--Bob! Betty! Come on out here! **A couple in their late thirties enter from stage right and sit on the couch next to the hosts.**
J&L--Welcome, Welcome.
L--Betty, why don't you read from the letter you wrote us asking for help with your love life. **Hands Betty a cuecard**
Betty--Alright. Dear Morning Slash Talk, I love my husband very much. We've been married for years, and I know we belong together. But lately ... **Betty begins to tear-up.** I'm sorry. I can do this. **Jenn hands Betty a box of tissues. Bob looks uncomfortable** Thanks. Okay. Lately our sex life is too routine. If we even have sex at all. Help me, Morning Slash Talk. Please, save my marriage! Sincerely, Betty.
J--Don't worry, Betty. We've got the RX for a sizzling sex life. **Pats Bob on the knee** Okay, Bob, you have a decision to make. You can either join Betty in her celebration of gay male sex or you can reap its benefits in your love life while studiously ignoring the source.
Bob--I'll take door # 2, Jenn. I want to spice up our love life, but even the thought of male/male sex threatens to destroy my carefully guarded social construct of masculinity. **Bob exits stage left through the door labeled Lounge of Denial. Scattered boos from the audience**
L--Okay, Betty. We're going to set you up with a slashy regimen guaranteed to get you hot and bothered for the rest of your natural life. First, to get you on your way, we've created you your very own Live Journal. This may be a source of conflict in your marriage at first. Your husband may fight you for control of the computer. This problem can be solved in one of two ways. The simplest--buy another computer and phone line. The second, and most common--get up in the middle of the night after he's sleeping and log on then; forgo watching your fave TV shows and log on then (you can always Google the transcripts); send Bob out on errands as often as possible and log on then.
J--Also, as an lj user, your eating and washing habits will change drastically. We recommend stashing a supply of wet naps by the computer. We're also throwing in a mini-fridge for you to store snacks; your flist entries might double in the time it takes to get to the kitchen and back. **Betty looks overwhelmed with the hosts' generosity.**
Betty--Oh, thank you! Thank you! I can't wait to get started.
J--At first, you'll probably just want to read all the fics you can get your hands on, regardless of pairing, length, or plot. This compulsion is normal and will subside over the next months. Eventually, you'll choose a fandom and a fave pairing or two, cutting your reading list much shorter.
L--This is probably when the plot bunnies will bite you and you'll feel compelled to write your own slashy goodness.
J--That's a topic for another show, though, Lorraine. Don't worry, Betty. You and Bob are scheduled to appear in our annual "Where are They Now?" program. We'll devote that segment to any questions you have about writing slash. **Cue theme song**
L--After the commercial break, our two fave boys, Spike and Xander, re-enact scenes from the fics you vote on. That's right--30 whole minutes of live, full-on, incredibly steamy man-sex. Get those votes in, America!
Commercial break
**Cue theme song. Enter Spike and Xander stage right. The hosts are seated in the first row of the audience. The set has been transformed into a luscious bondage boudoir. Video feed interrupted**
Announcer--We apologize for the spotty reception. Video feed is compromised due to power strains at the studio. Spike's electric, high-powered enema machine has created lingering power surges.
**Video Feed Restored. Camera zooms in on Xander's face as he makes the strangled cry of a wildebeast**
**Video Feed Interrupted**
**Video Feed Restored. Xander kneels before Spike, sobbing.**
Spike--You are going to put that in your mouth, boy.
**Video Feed interrupted**
**Video Feed Restored. Camera close-up of Spike and Xander sitting next to each other on the bed in maid costumes. Xander speaks in a ridiculous Cockney accent**
Xander--Right, right, luv. We're just two Blimey maids out for a spot of the ole slap and tickle.
Spike--My, but your scones are tasty.
**Video Feed Interrupted.**
**Video Feed restored. Spike is smoking a cigarette, and Xander's passed out in a puddle of his own filth.**
J--....incredibly sexy, wasn't it, Lorraine?
L--Oh, yes. Thanks for that performance, boys. **Spike scrapes up Xander and they exit stage right. The two hosts resume their seats on the stage**
J--And now joining us from UpYourBum University, Dr. Ivanna Vatchukum, ladies and gentlemen!! **A scholarly looking lady joins them on the dais**
Dr--Good morning, ladies. Thanks for having me on the show.
L--We read your book BACK DOOR BOOGIE: THE SOCIOLOGICAL IMPACT OF SLASH and knew we had to have you on.
J--Dr., your book includes many startling facts. For instance, your research indicates that the proliferation of slash is actually helping to combat terrorism worldwide.
Dr--Yes, that's right, Jenn. In a study coauthored by Dr. Wankinov, findings showed that slash addicts were simply too malnourished and weak from prolonged exposure to low levels of computer radiation to build explosives. **Wild hoots and cheers from audience**
L--Fascinating. I was struck by the statistic that the slash obsessed are 90% less likely than the average American to die in automobile wrecks or gas station holdups.
Dr--This is true. We slashers just can't seem to leave our homes long enough to become victims of random acts of violence. **chuckles from audience**
J--Well, with the social benefits of slash so obvious, what can our audience do to deepen its involvement?
Dr--It's easy to incorporate slash into all your hobbies. For example, a photographer could snap some pictures of her annoying heterosexual, male friends and photoshop them doing something naughty in a monastery. **Cue theme music**
J--Oh, no! Looks like that's all we have time for today. See you tommorrow on Morning Slash Talk when we'll do our first-ever crossover live sex scene. Spike and Xander encounter the delectable Leo and Cole of CHARMED fame in a magical orgy.
Announcer--Guests of Slash Talk receive a gift basket from our corporate sponsors--a ten gallon drum of Astroglide, the Baby Jesus Buttplug courtesy of Divine Interventions, and an industrial-sized cannister of no-heat wax by Silky Unmentionables. **Fade to black**